Ok so I have been through 9 days of immense stress. I have lost almost 4kgs, learned I can function of barely any sleep but I will have a monster headache, feel light headed and have my blood pressure shoot up to a ridiculous level, and the world won’t end. It may feel like it, but it won’t, I also learnt that it’s not a healthy way to live at all.
I also realised that no matter how often I meditate, commune with nature, Creator, and focus on good thoughts, I am still a normal human being and can still lose my s**t at the drop of a hat and all my work can go sailing out the window in a heartbeat. That was crushing at first, then self pity took over and I really didn’t think about it till this morning. And that’s the honest truth. All I can do is to re focus and start over. I realise this is exactly what the Buddha meant with his teachings on suffering. – We need to accept the things we can’t control. Fighting against them is useless, we need to change the way we see them. – Now this is a hell of a lot easier said than done. Trust me, I know. Cultivating mindfulness and practising stilling the mind is great, but if we take our eye off the ball for one second, it’s as if we’ve never done a bit of it a day in our life. Once panic and anger take over, your mind just zeroes in and you can’t think of anything else. I’ve had moments where I was able to break that cycle and regroup, but I couldn’t sustain it for very long. As a result, I have spent most of my week glued to Skype or Messenger on Facebook. Then, just to rub salt into the wound, my Facebook was hacked and played with, then deleted. This, of course, tipped me off on another, bigger and more emotional meltdown.
I am utterly exhausted – physically, mentally and emotionally. This has been by far the crappiest 9 days of my life and the harshest lesson I have had to learn. And all that’s been achieved by my reaction is a negative effect on me. Has the hacker been affected? No. Have my friends been affected? No. Have I driven my family and partner nuts? Yes. Has it helped? F**K NO! So the painful truth is that I have wasted 9 days of my life with the only positive outcome being a loss of almost 4kgs. It’s back to the drawing board for me (and less online friends).