Drained

Have you ever gotten to a point where everything in the world just seems too hard, so futile in trying to make a difference that you just think “Fuck this shit, I’m moving to Iceland/insert some distant desolate destination”? Yeah? Well I’m at that point after all the post US election fall-out. I’ve tried to stay neutral (fail), tried to discuss facts with people (big fail) and also gone into defense mode (EPIC fail). Dropping off the face of the Earth is not an option so I’ve decided to stop. centre. refocus. And to do that I am stripping away all the extra dressing and going back to the source – Buddhism 101 baby.

I’ve started (re)reading “Universal Compassion” by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso and I’m REALLY taking in the words. Slowly, deliberately and even highlighting pertinent text (yeah it’s hardcore this time, :P) and going over and over it till it’s seared into my memory. In one part, it talks about developing Conventional Boddicitta. In summary… “Conventional Bodhicitta is defined as a primary mind, motivated by great compassion,  that spontaneously seeks enlightenment for the benefit of all living beings” (p14, Universal Compassion). That sounds like some heavy shit and in a way it is. Basically, make altruism and compassion for EVERYONE your primary goal and way of thinking. Sounds easy enough, but just take a look at the factions forming in the USA post election and see how easy that would be to implement. See my point?

But for me, I really need to start from scratch and do this. For my sanity and wellbeing. I may fail dismally, I know I’ll have setbacks, but I just can’t live like this anymore. I’m sick of getting out of bed and dreading turning on the TV. I’m sick of wondering which friend of mine will be offended by my offerings on the world, and in turn, who’s thoughts will fill my heart with sorrow and my mind with anger. My fall back methods are not working, and I  know that I have “fallen off the mat” in regards to my practise.

I’m going into hospital for major surgery next week and will have a recovery period of 4-6 weeks where I really won’t have a choice BUT to relax, read and rest. What better time to re-establish my practise than then? It seems the Universe is almost begging me to get my shit together. Who am I to refuse? After all, what do I have to lose?

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2 thoughts on “Drained

  1. spring cleaning the self is such a great feeling. There is a mix of relief and freedom that goes with realising you’ve cut the cord to the baggage car.
    I’m not the most proactive friend, or the most public, but I never take my friends for granted and I’m always here if you need anything. Helen is too, she still remembers you being there when she needed help so many years ago.

    Like

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