That’s exactly how I sum things up on my path.
I let a troll get the better of me. Some schmuck with one hand on the keyboard and another massaging his/her ego. And I let them upset me to the point of a profanity ridden rant on my “home” online. The only good thing to come out of it is that I managed to heavily edit it and as it now stands, it’s fairly restrained, civil but still conveys a go fuck yourself tone to it. Had I left it as it was, I’d have been banned and I’ll be damned if I let some oxygen thief who’s been there 4-6 weeks chase me off when I’ve been there 7 years.
So I definitely won’t be Buddhist of the year or even a halfway “good” Buddhist. But having said that, what is it with people lately? Everywhere I turn, people are just being downright shitheads 😦 I’ve had The Oxygen Thief on my Buddhist forum, a person I know IRL challenge me to justify myself for my background and other people just letting me down in ways I never thought were possible. If I still believed in it, I’d be inclined to say it’s the alignment of the stars, the moon phase or even the weather. I COULD do what everyone else does, and blame Donald Trump. Although to be honest, I really DO believe that his inauguration has paved the way for all the hidden racists to come crawling out of the darkness Who knows?
All I know is that I messed up and it’s back to the beginning for me. But part of me is starting to wonder if I should just up and walk away from Buddhism altogether. It doesn’t seem to be helping me. My mother also made that very observation too 😦